You are so mean and nasty every time we get together.” What was HER motive in saying that they didn’t like our toddlers haircut? Was it love? Was it to make me feel bad as a mom? Was it just a casual observation with no ill intent? HE WAS 2! I wish I would have said “SO WHAT?” I wish I would have said, “you know, I don’t know why we call you when we are in the city. When my husband took our son to the bathroom, she informed me that they had decided that they didn’t like our sons haircut. When my son was 2 years old we took him for a haircut and then met my sister-in-law and her husband for dinner. What was her motive for saying that in front of the whole family? Why would she say that? What made her think she had a right to say something like that, and to my COUSIN which made it seem even worse. What about the time at a family wedding she told my cousin when we were both 19 years old, that it was okay if he slept with me because I was ‘on the pill’. Was that ‘just a comment’ with no ill will intended? A loving observation? Was that useful information? Was it meant to enrich my life? What was her motive in saying something like that? She told me another time in reference to one of the grandbabies, that it was ‘too bad her eyes are too close together, and so deep set too like her fathers eyes’. What the hell WAS her point in saying that then? What was her motive? Why would a mother say something like that to her daughter? Did she think I just ‘needed to know?” Did she think it would help me get on with my life if I was aware that my boobs had lost their former beauty? Was her telling me this ‘for my own good’? What would be so wrong with telling her how mean that comment was? But I was expected to show love and respect by NOT commenting, or by just letting it go because “you can’t change other people” and the ‘bigger person thing to do’ is to just accept the mean things she says and dismiss them as ‘well, you know how she is”.Īnd then there are the comments from others, saying “ she doesn’t mean to hurt your feelings”.
One time my mother commented that it was a shame that my boobs were not as nice as they used to be before I had 3 children! Why couldn’t I have said to her, “OUCH! What a nasty thing to say MOM”. Like my silence was consent or at the very least my silence communicated consent. Looking back I always felt like I was agreeing with them when I didn’t say anything. I tried to do this type of acceptance stuff for years and it didn’t make me feel good about myself. Just because that message is the most popular message out there, that doesn’t make it a truth based message) They say that if your mother comments on your weight because you are having a second slice of pumpkin pie you should just “let it go”… and “well, you know how she is”… (What does that mean?) Why can’t you say “mind your own business mom, that hurts my feelings” ~ It’s all about keeping the peace and harmony as though the message is that love is acceptance of abuse! But where does that definition of LOVEcome from? Why is it so important that we don’t rock the boat when it comes to ‘family’ no matter what they say? Why is it that it is up to the victim to learn to ‘let it go’ and accept people the (abusive) way that they are? (The message comes from people who want to live in the system where the one with the most power wins. No one ever says that you are RIGHT to have issues with abusive family and that it is okay to stand up to them. I never read an article that says, if your family is abusive, humiliating, harassing, degrading or devaluing you, if your family or friends disrespect you privately or publically, then “stay away from them!” Think about it this way in your life, does your family equally share in the success of the relationship according to the way that you were taught the ‘rules of engagement?”Įven the articles about ‘setting boundary stuff’are about ‘not engaging’ and not expecting them to change.
This 50/50 responsibility for the failure in relationship thing is rarely the way it really is. It is always assumed that each person in the relationship shares part of the blame for the difficulties in family relationships.
I don’t get it it seems that the solution “out there” is always about acceptance of the people who are doing the damage, and then taking responsibility for YOUR part in it. Everything that I find about this problem has to do with advice regarding ‘acceptance of others’ and how we can’t change anyone else. This morning I was doing research on dealing with dysfunctional family during the holidays.